The Pro & The Joe

Can men really experience multiple orgasms? My last boyfriend could get it up right away and climax after we had sex two or even three times. My current boyfriend is done after round one. What is the norm?

sexdotcom — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 20:21:00 GMT

The Pro

While I hate to use the word “normal” when talking about sex (sex therapists will tell you that the question they get asked the most is “Am I normal?”), the fact is that most men do climax once and then have varying “refractory periods”—the amount of time it takes for them to be able to get an erection again. There are men whose refractory periods are amazingly short and some who really can get it up right away. These men are extremely rare. I featured one of them, a gorgeous hunk who goes by the name of Johnny Dannon, in a couple of my movies!

However, most men who are able to have a succession of orgasms in a row have actually learned this technique through practicing Tantric or Taoist sex. It teaches men how to monitor and learn their sexual response. This enables them to control their ejaculation and hold it back so that they may have a series of non-ejaculatory orgasms. It is a little known fact that a man’s climax does not have to include ejaculation. Most men who are able to have multiple orgasms are not ejaculating every time.

While mastering this takes a lot of practice, there are clear benefits. The obvious one is that the man learns how to have more control over his erection and climax. The other is that he’s gonna be real popular with the women!

It’s not for everyone, and guys can still learn to have greater control without having to go so far as to become a Tantric master. But many couples are discovering new ways to find great pleasure and deeper intimacy through the practice of Tantric or Taoist lovemaking.

The first book to introduce this ancient technique into popular culture and a great source of information is The Multi-Orgasmic Man by a teacher of Taoist practice, Mantak Chia. Pick it up and leave it sitting on the table next time your favorite guy comes over. It just might lead to some really good times!

The Joe

I am sure some tantra masters out there would say, “Yes, of course!” I say they're liars, and it never happens, at least not in the same way women can, where one wave rides into the next. Can you imagine? Guys would never get anything done. They’d be locked up for months at a time, braving open daylight only a couple of times a year to stock up on lube, porn, and one-handed food sources.

The best a guy can do is one of two things:

• Be so into the sex that he stays hard—or medicated enough, but consult a physician if you experience priapism, an erection that persists for more than four hours, just like the commercial says.

• Be in shape enough and in control enough that he actually holds off from actual orgasm while on the verge. He may get the intital twinge but doesn't get those amusement park closing fireworks.

The real culprit here is rebound. How long a guy takes to recover and be able to go again is the issue. Your last guy had to be a horndog, a young guy, in great shape, or some combination of the the three. Even if he's a super-sexed young athlete, a guy may be working against the randomness of genetics—some guys just lose it after the first orgasm. (And all this talk makes me realize I need to get my ass on a more steady exercise regimen again.)

Whatever the case, if you're wanting to go at it over and over, the obvious first step is to try having sex more than once in the same day. If that happens successfully, you have hope for some back-to-back sex in the future.

Once you're confident that multiple times in a day works and are ready for consecutive bangs, what you should do is play to his perversions to convince him to keep going after some vanilla sex is out of the way. You should be able to tease him into at least Round Two with dirty talk, a strip show, a dominatrix routine, or a blowjob (but not too good of a blowjob, or he might go to sleep). A note: Rebound time can be anywhere from five minutes to an hour, so your stamina might be tested too... so get to suckin’!

If that doesn't work, then start working out together, because he might not be in good enough shape to handle you again, you saucy minx.

Why won't my girlfriend let me go down on her? Women are supposed to love that. Whenever I try, she redirects me, and when I ask her about it, she avoids the subject.

sexdotcom — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 21:21:00 GMT

The Pro

There could be a number of reasons your girlfriend doesn’t want you to go down on her.

One is that she may be uncomfortable with herself, her genitals, her personal odors. Girls aren’t traditionally encouraged to explore themselves “down there.” In fact, it might be more accurate to say they’re discouraged from learning about their genitalia. It’s only in the last 20 years or so that accurate information about women’s genitalia, and in particular, the fact that we have something called a clitoris, has become widely discussed... and really only once women began demanding that information and publishing their own books, as in the breakthrough Our Bodies, Our Selves, written by the Boston Women’s Health Collective during the second-wave feminist movement of the late ’60s and early ’70s (and updated several times since). Don’t expect to find any mention of a “clitoris” in a public school textbook!

With the secrecy surrounding such a hidden away, covered up area, girls frequently grow up with tremendous discomfort about their genitals. Your girlfriend may be suffering from a fear that she is not “attractive” down there. Looking at sensitive images of women’s genitalia, such as the lovely book Betty Dodson published many years ago called Sex for One, could be helpful.

Perhaps she fears she doesn’t have a pleasing odor. With all the products on the market promising to make a woman “smell nicer,” many women have no idea that their natural smells are exciting to a man. You might volunteer that you are drawn to go down on her because you like her “fragrance.”

On the other hand, if your girlfriend is suffering from shame about cunnilingus, all the compliments in the world won’t change her mind. Shame, whether caused by a strict or religious or conservative upbringing or a past trauma, is a difficult issue to tackle and sometimes requires professional counseling. Even then, your girlfriend would need to want to deal with her shame for this approach to work. Such indoctrination is a tough nut to crack and requires a strong will to confront and work through.

Another possibility is that your girlfriend simply does not enjoy receiving oral sex. Because many women respond so fiercely to it, cunnilingus has reached a sort of mythological status. Remember that, as with any sexual act or preference, it’s really about learning what your particular partner likes. That requires something more important than “technique” or how to give great head: We, both men and women, must become sensitive and pay attention. What seems to arouse your partner, to make her or him moan in pleasure? If you’re giving head or fingering her or having intercourse, is she moving with you? Is she groaning in ecstasy? Not all women get off on or even enjoy receiving oral sex. Don’t assume that something your last lover—or even last several lovers!— went wild over is going to have the same effect on your current paramour. We’re all unique, and ideally, we’ll let each other know exactly what we want.

Finally, let me ask you this: Do you want to perform oral sex on your girlfriend because it turns you on? Or is it because you’re convinced it would turn her on? Clearly, she is not comfortable with it, and perhaps with this added information, you can figure out why or get her to open up about it. The bottom line is that you need to respect her wishes and try not to push your notion of what she should like. If it’s something you really love to do, then tell her that and see if she’ll be more open to trying.

In the end, you can’t make anyone enjoy something they don’t like. You’d be better off paying attention to what she does like, and, providing it works for you too, going there with her and having a mutually wonderful time.

The Joe

This may seem unreal to any guy. I mean, what guy wouldn't like a blowjob, right? All a girl has to do is mention the possibility, and the guy is shamelessly naked in no time. In the very least, he is hobbling to you, pants at his ankles, at full speed.

Women have a lot more variables that they get caught up on. A girl can be self- conscious about the hairiness, hairstyle, size, color, and symmetry of her puss, its smell, and, of course, The Flow when that comes into play. Consider that a past boyfriend might have shamed her, or she could've had a bad experience that left her feeling like something's wrong with her. It's a lot to think about, and if you are really wanting to go down on her, realize she might have internal obstacles to overcome.

If you think self-consciousness is the case, take some extra naked time getting her used to seeing her own privates and being freely nude with you. Give tons of little compliments on how you appreciate everything about her, and segue that into dirty talk about how delicious, sweet (get your own damn thesaurus) she tastes. Take small steps: Get her comfort level up and take things slowly.

Another possibility... you may really stink at giving face time. (Quick tip: Fast, soft, and wet.) If you're worried about this, ask if there's something special she likes, or tell her that she's in charge for the night and can direct you however she wants, as long as it involves you traveling down under. Everyone likes things differently.

Speaking of that, consider that she may really get off from vaginal, penetrative sex (versus clit work) and simply prefers it. Doubt it, but... I suppose it's possible.

If she is open enough to masturbate in front of you, watch like a hawk and get some insight. (Where, how, and how hard is she touching herself?) Ask for front-row seats, then ease into oral once she's aroused. Some girls just need to be relaxed to really enjoy themselves. If you can't even get her to masturbate for you, are you sure you're right for each other or right enough with herself for anybody?

Whatever the case, you are dealing either with an emotional issue that affects her comfort level or the fact that you suck at head. Good luck. You are going to need it.

My boyfriend thinks our sex life is great... but I've been faking my orgasms. We have been intimate for about three months. It’s just that I can’t orgasm through penetration alone, and until now I haven’t felt comfortable masturbating or using a toy with him. I know he'll be hurt if I tell him I've been faking. What should I do?

sexdotcom — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 21:39:00 GMT

The Pro

First, allow me to dispel the outdated myth that women “should” be able to cum through intercourse alone. You may not need to hear this, but clearly you are allowing yourself to be inhibited by the fact that so many still do, and believe me, you’re not alone. Countless women—and men!—still buy in to this assumption, which has been perpetuated since Freud declared that the true “mature” orgasm for women is that which is achieved through intercourse, the “vaginal orgasm.” This is simply not true. In fact, Shire Hite made big waves back in the ’70s when she published her famous study, The Hite Report, which stated that as many as 85% of women do not have orgasms through intercourse alone. And it’s not due to some psychological problem or something that can be overcome. Because of the placement of the clitoris, it is often difficult if not impossible for the penis to directly stimulate it through intercourse, and clitoral stimulation is required for a woman to climax.

Next, it’s time to stop faking and to stop worrying about all this stuff when you should be enjoying yourself. Fact is, the minute we gals start worrying about coming while making love, it’s all over. Reaching orgasm requires that we be able to let go physically and mentally. So lay back, breathe deeply so the blood can get “down there” (which is needed for orgasm_, and start thinking sexy thoughts!

You have two choices: Either you make up your mind that you’re simply going to reach down and do yourself while he’s doing you, or you come clean and tell him what’s up. If you do decide to just be honest, start with the positive and tell him how much you’ve loved the sex. Then explain to him that you’ve been embarrassed to admit that you require direct stimulation—which MOST WOMEN DO!—and that you’ve been too shy to let him know and didn’t want him to think less of you or feel like he wasn’t enough. He may be a bit miffed at first, so allow for that. But if he’s any kind of man, he’ll get over it and be happy to accommodate you.

As for bringing up the idea of masturbating, again, make it a “positive.” Say something like, “It would really excite me to be able to stroke myself while you’re inside me...” or whatever it is you like. Maybe you can even teach him how to do it himself if you think you’d like that.

If you want to introduce a toy, be sure to make it sound like it’s sex-play for both of you. Include him somehow so he doesn’t feel like he’s left out or unneeded. You can say, “It would turn me on so much if you would put your (fill in the blank: his cock, his fingers?) inside me while I use this vibe on myself.” Or maybe you could show him how to use it on you. The point is to make him feel like he’s part of the fun. No one likes to think they’re being replaced. Let him know that it’s the fact that he’s there with you that’s the turn-on.

And here’s one other little piece of information that should inspire you: The most powerful and delicious orgasm for a woman is when both her clitoris and the small area referred to as the G-spot are stimulated at the same time. Let him find and stimulate your G-spot with his fingers or a G-spotter while you stimulate your clitoris. Once he sees the pleasure that brings you, he should be thrilled to have learned this little trick that brings phenomenal results!

Bottom line: You need to be honest about what you want, and you’re doing him more of a favor by giving him the opportunity to be part of your pleasure than keeping him out of it “for his own sake.” If he can’t handle all this, then he’s not going to be much fun anyway. Good luck!

The Joe

This is all your fault, but it's not unfixable.

First, why would you get intimate with (AKA bang) this guy without feeling comfortable enough to get yourself off, even if by hand or whatever battery-powered plastic delight? We can keep asking why you've done this, but it doesn't really matter. Now you want to fix it.

DO NOT TELL HIM. Instead, re-train him. Most guys are pretty Pavlovian—so get him used to the ringing of another bell. If the guys sucks at pleasing you but you want to stay with him, the easiest way to guarantee your orgasms is to introduce touching yourself (or him getting more hands-on) by treating it as a kink of sorts... a pervy game that will enable you to get what you want and make it feel more exciting and new to him without insulting his skills. It will go over so much easier than any type of heart-to-heart you think you could pull off. (Believe me, no matter how delicately you think you word it, any guy is going to feel seriously dejected if he learns he hasn't been getting you off.)

Now I don't know your guy, so you may have to tweak the details of the exact how. If you vacation, introduce touching yourself as a naughty, trying-something-new away from home. (By the way, fancy undies always help with vacation sex. In general, fancy, or at least matching, undies make almost any situation better.)

Or, if you get a little sauced from time to time, pretend to get a little too sauced. You can blame the drink, get a little raunchy, and take care of yourself while you're going at it. Then, the next day, stroke his ego by telling him the only thing you really remember about the night before is how unbelievable the sex was. Then you can ease into it (pun intended) as a normal thing.

But go easy. Pull out a foot-long vibromatic, and he's gonna think his goods are not good enough. Use the hands first, and gauge his reaction and how open he may be to equipment in the bedroom... not that the bedroom should be the only room. In fact, it may be part of the “kink” to try something new outside of the bedroom, or the norm.

Now, your worst-case scenario...

Most guys love normal. Guys like to be right in the head, right in the bed. If you tell him, it's gonna be like admitting to cheating on him, because you did—you cheated with an idealized him. That's going to mess with his head and consequently what goes on in your bed in the future. Tell him now, and he might never be able to satisfy you. If he finds out, he most likely will freak out and act out—doing anything from breaking up, to giving you the cold shoulder, to thinking he has something to prove and cheating.

It's also grade-A bitch material to unleash this info during a fight or break-up. Try to be adult and not continue the cycle of guys are assholes and women are bitches. The truth is: All people can end up being rotten to one another. And if you purposefully damage someone and send them out into the world, you are creating a bigger bastard and unleashing it on the next woman to land him.

And it sounds like you DON’T want that if you're willing to stick with some guy who can't even make you come.