The Pro & The Joe

My conservative wife gave me some porn. What’s she up to? Is this some kind of trap?

2008-11-13T16:03:00Z

The Pro

My, my, someone’s a little paranoid. Gee, most men would be thrilled! What was the context? How does a woman just “give” her husband some porn out of the blue? Was it like, “Happy birthday, honey… I thought you might like these?” Or did she just happen to have them around from her wild sorority days? Did she hand them to you and walk away, waiting to see what you would do with them? Or did she suggest you watch them together? I need more information here. Context is everything.

I would suggest you ask her straight out what her intentions are. Maybe she’s showing you a side to her you never knew about. Sometimes it’s the most “conservative” women who turn out to be the wildest in bed. Or maybe she’s trying to keep you busy with porn so you’ll leave her alone! The notion of her trying to set a trap seems awfully sinister to me, and the fact that you would suspect that makes me wonder about your relationship in the first place.

Why aren’t you able to just ask her? Do you and your wife communicate? Just ask her why she’s giving you some porn… and if you can’t do that, well then you two need some counseling. Let me know and I’ll point you in the direction of some good resources for couples therapists… really!

The Joe

From LD Grant:

There's treachery afoot. If yours is a long marriage and she still uses words like “pee-pee” and “wee-wee” (and can't bring herself to say “cock”) circle the wagons! If it’s a new marriage and you’re relatively young, don't be as worried.

Women tend to read more about relationships, sociology, and psychology. She may have read some statistic about how “normal” it is for guys to use porn and how it has no bearing on whether a guy will cheat. A good wife will try to be supportive, and maybe she is doing just that. Then again, it could be a modern tiger trap, a test on multiple levels.

First, your wife could be testing your depravity. The material may be a set-up with mostly vanilla fare, until up pops a scene (or page) with things you didn't know existed—a transsexual cyborg with a strap-on and a penchant for midgets dressed as cartoon vegetables. In this case, she could ambush you with: “You made it that far into it? That turned you on?"—which is made even worse if she catches you with a hard-on during the scene. (Hell, accepting it or taking the plastic wrap off could get you into trouble.)

Or, this “test” could also be her way of communicating what she deems “acceptable” porn. Is there harp music playing, lit candles everywhere, and everyone speaking politely with slight British accents?

I say, fight fire with fire. Diffuse and redirect the issue: Go buy a camcorder. Give it to her and return the porn, unopened if possible. Act a little worldly and say something like, "Oh darling, with the internet, I hear (this implies that you’re not doing it but are aware that it’s possible) it is so easy to find anything like this. You know me, so would you please make me something you know I’d like?"

Did you see what happened? The test for you became a test for her. Instead of her testing you on whether you will take it, like it, use it, or any of the above, you are now testing her on what she thinks of women who make porn, what she feels is the dirtiest thing that should be on film, and lastly, what she thinks turns you on and whether she’s is willing to do it. If she makes the movie (even with the poorest sound quality and shakiest hand-cam work on the planet), you know she is Grade A—loving and committed to trying new things and keeping you interested.

And, if she does make it for you, treat that thing like the holy grail—think velvet-lined, fireproof lock box with a key you wear around your neck—because it is now your most prized possession. Don’t forget to thank her like she saved your life from a nut-crunching catastrophe.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. He used to be dominant in bed, which I loved, but sex has gone downhill over the last year. He says it’s because I nag him, but I nag because he’s useless around the house. I don’t want to split up over this, but knowing what I am missing is awful. Please help.

2008-11-06T17:00:00Z

The Pro

From Candida Royalle:

Hmmmm… this really can become a problem. How to keep the romance and passion going after moving in together or getting married and having to share the everyday necessities of life—like who takes out the garbage and who cleans up after dinner—is not easy! And it’s further complicated by the fact that at this point in time couples come to marriage with a whole set of expectations that were traditionally not a part of the marital “contract” at all. Marriage wasn’t created for never-ending fun and passion. It was an arrangement created to raise a family and keep the blood lines in order. The notion of a marriage that encompasses romance and great sex for years to come is a relatively recent one created by Western culture. So when the realities of such a partnership begin to set in, we’re surprised and often disappointed; hence the high rate of divorce in Western culture.

Unfortunately, we women often marry men while we’re still in the throes of romance, and you know what they say: Love is blind… or at least blurry! We find all sorts of ways to “forgive” him his “cute” little faults, like not picking up after himself when he stays at our place, or not putting the seat down after he takes a leak. Sometimes we just don’t even notice!

But as the fog or haze of romantic love begins to clear and the mundane realities of everyday life set in to our marital home, the “cute” little faults begin to annoy. Unfortunately, if a man had a mother who also “nagged” him about such things, what happens when you ask him to help around the house is that he ends up hearing mom’s voice and becomes the rebellious boy rather than your lover-man, and you become “mom” rather than his adorable lover-girl.What guy wants to dominate “mom” in bed?

So, what are your options? Find a way to stop nagging him or face becoming “mom.” Whether it’s finding a way to compromise with each other—he vacuums one weekend and you vacuum the next, or what ever you can work out—or accept that he’s lousy around the house but worth the price of being dominated in bed and having hot sex. It’s a dilemma many women face, believe me, but I don’t know what else to suggest… except counseling to help you talk it out? Good luck!

The Joe

From LD Grant:

Youch. I don't have complete backgrounds on either of you to say definitively who’s at fault. Is his “uselessness” around the house because you expect him to do everything on top of holding a full-time job so you can watch Tivo'd soaps and have girls’ nights out between spa visits? Or is he getting hugely overweight from a strict regimen of HoHos and DingDongs while staying up all night playing online games (fantasy football included) and is so entrenched he is considering using adult diapers so he doesn't ever have to leave his chair? Either way, looking back while moving forward is not a healthy way to live or to make a transition to the bedroom.

The more committed a relationship, the more there is an overlap between the day-to day routine and night-to-night activities. There are things I consider normal and essential that are not sexual at all but make a sex life easier to maintain. Yes, a sex life requires maintenance. You both have to maintain yourselves enough to physically handle sex and emotionally desire it, and the stuff outside the bedroom that you need to work on makes it so you both want to have the sex... with each other.

Here's the non-sex advice: Discuss and be aware of the functions of the household. Know who is responsible for food, but plan it together. It’s the same with cleaning and errands. Have some daily physical activity together that is not fucking. My wife and I walk the dog together at least once every day. I am useless in the kitchen with food prep, but I help plan meals and clean up. Even though she may not be as handy as me, when there are chores that may result in my injury—cutting off a finger, electrocution, falling from a great height—she serves as my assistant by merely keeping me company and being available to dial 911. The phrase is “Divide and conquer,” not “Divide. Conquer.”

This is way more psycho-babble than I am accustomed to spewing. Don't talk your guy to death about this. Just start doing more dividing and conquering house work, and making it a regular habit. More present-tense interaction will get you both into The Deed.

Now, here’s the sex advice: Find a way to shut your nagging mouth in the bedroom. That’s not to say you will or should shut up entirely. In the same way you look back at how he used to dominate you in the bedroom, he may be looking back at how demure and suppliant (his coy sex kitten) you used to be. That may be what he is missing, and the awful thing he feels has replaced it is the nagging. Maybe work on your bedroom talk to coax the “old him" back. Also, make your bedroom off-limits to any nagging, even if you’re just hanging out in there.

Remember, sex is vitamins to a relationship. It is not a “treat” or “dessert” so many would like to call it. If you cannot regularly physically express your feelings or desires, you as a couple and as individuals will continue to weaken until a stupid household issues breaks you.

My girlfriend of four months is completely wild in bed after she’s had a couple drinks. She talks dirty, and the sex goes on for hours. How can I get this side of her to come out when we are sober?

2008-10-29T15:47:00Z

The Pro

From Candida Royalle:

Well, the good thing is she clearly has that wild side to her. The challenge is how to get her to let go without having to down a couple of drinks.

It’s likely that your girlfriend is harboring feelings of guilt and shame about sex and deep down inside is afraid of being judged. When I was a much younger woman just starting out on my sexual journey, I was troubled by my wild fantasies and unable to share them with anyone I was intimate with, including long-term lovers. While I still had great sex and my partners seemed happy, I knew something was missing—that there was a connection I could be experiencing with my partner that would be far more fulfilling. Eventually I sought out counseling for a variety of reasons at the time, and it was in that therapeutic setting that I got to explore my inhibitions and work through the shame I felt about my personal fantasies and desires. I grew to understand how our culture shapes us as women, how the mixed messages we receive about sex sets us up for conflict and makes it difficult for us to open up.

While we’re surrounded by highly sexualized imagery and information, girls are still taught in subtle ways that “good girls don’t.” It’s even tougher now. Girls constantly receive messages from all sorts of media—movies, magazines, television, the internet—about the importance of looking provocative and sexually experienced, while also being told to abstain from sex before marriage or, at the very least, to not come off as loose or slutty. The old double standard is alive and well: Boys will be boys, but girls must be the harbingers of restraint and morality.

Depending on our own unique set of circumstances growing up, it takes time to work through the sense of shame and uncertainty we feel about our desires and to learn that nothing is bad if it’s done within the context of a mutually consenting relationship between two people who respect each other. You will need to be patient with your girlfriend and assure her of your feelings for her without appearing as though you’re pushing her to do something she’s not comfortable with. Four months is not a long time. A woman needs to feel safe and trusting in order to open up and let her wild side emerge.

One of the benefits of long-term relationships is that the trust and comfort that develop over time will result in more open and exciting sex. It’s only through the bonds of deep love and trust that a woman like yours will let herself be truly seen. And that’s a delicious reward to look forward to.

The Joe

From LD Grant:

Woohhhh, get this resolved. Hopefully, you are lucky and this is a normal function for her, but at four months, it’s still kind of early to tell.

First, she may have a trust issue. The alcohol erodes her defenses and blurs out the details, enabling her to just feel more than thinking about what she is feeling. She is more reactive and is not planning her reactions. Don't encourage this behavior (the glug-glug part) or make this a normal cycle—unless you are talking about anal! Everyone deserves a shot of liquor (or four) before that journey.

You need to find other ways of relaxing her into the mistress of raunch you both seem to enjoy.

Encourage relaxation and up the endorphins. Some foods can do that, but for the most part they are really rich foods, and hardly anyone likes to screw after six courses of heavy gravy. Look into herbs, not necessarily “herb,” but other things like B-12 shots, which are said to have some relaxing properties without the fuzziness or hangover of booze.

The cheapest, almost-sure bet is the massage. Give her a rub-down with nice-smelling oils while talking soothingly dirty to her. Try to find some lotions or massage oils that smell like the drinks she likes. (Hopefully, she likes fruity cocktails and boat drinks, because I think it would be hard to find gin-, whiskey-, or vodka-scented oils.) Maybe this will get her “drunk” by association, making her primed for action.

Another easy thing to try is putting her in control. It doesn't even have to be a slave thing. Just ask her to tell you what to do, and ease her into the filth-talking. Her comfort level on that should go hand-in-hand with her acting how she is speaking. If you want to try this, give your woman a little notice with little fanfare. “Hey, hon. This Wednesday night will be You Talk Dirty Night in the bedroom.” If she puts up a little fuss, give a her a little schmooove talk: "C'mon, baby. If you do, I will...”

You are still kind of early into a relationship, but, unless you’re an idiot, you want booze not be essential to great sex. If she is holding back for some reason and it takes alcohol to release the floodgates, be aware of what else she could be holding back to release in the future. You don't want to have to be running to the bedroom when she's had a few to get her nailed before emotional stuff starts pouring out.

A test would be to get her really drunk and just talk to her. If no out-of-left-field childhood traumas or deep-seated irrational fears are revealed and there’s no hostility toward you (either at the fact that you aren't banging away at her or because she says she likes thinking about killing you in your sleep for those socks that don't quite make it into the hamper), you may be home-free. Your girlfriend may just be someone who needs to toss back a few and let loose every now and then.

If your get-drunk-and-talk test reveals anything troubling in anecdote or in behavior, she may need counseling for issues deeper than dirty talk.