The Pro
Inside every controlling “dominatrix” lives a woman waiting to surrender. Sometimes they don’t even know it, but it’s usually true. You just need to know how to evoke it and when.
Taking charge doesn’t mean “barking orders.” It’s about gently seizing control and kindly, but sternly, informing the person that you are now giving the orders and it’s their turn to lay back and be told what to do.
Perhaps it’s time for you to plan a little scenario for her: Set the stage with some candles and mood music. I had a very creative boyfriend once who decorated his living room in shades of black and blue. Get it? (Hint: He loved to spank me!) When I arrived, the lights were low, just a couple of blue ones, and the candles were burning. He had bought and laid out a beautiful black lace ensemble for me to change in to, and there were black and blue silky scarves laid out which he was planning on using to restrain me. He had on the most atmospheric music, Gregorian chants, which were kind of spooky and really set the mood. Gregorian chants may be a bit esoteric for some, but there are many kinds of music that can equally set the tone—it’s all up to personal taste. The fact that he took charge and created such a dreamy, sexy setting really impressed me and enabled me to completely let go and allow him to take over. There’s nothing so delicious as surrendering to someone you desire.
Now, of course, this all has to be consensual, and you have to read her cues and make sure she’s comfortable with this. You may strike out and find out there’s no way to get this woman to let you take charge. But you may discover a kitten waiting to surrender.
Also, you don’t have to be quite this elaborate; maybe you want to start a little at a time. Then again, maybe you should just gag her and tell her it’s your turn to give the orders! Okay… maybe that’s a little severe! At the very least, if she seems unwilling to ease up on the control, you may just have to tell her that it’s a turn-off and that you need her to learn how to give up control in the bedroom or a certain part of you is going to eventually rebel!
The Joe
Guys, especially the nice ones, have a knack for allowing their girlfriends to dictate the overall dynamic in their relationships. Even those considered untamable will occasionally find themselves clean-shaven and sober at a dinner party thrown by people they can’t stand... all at the behest of their significant other. This is the price we must pay for regular sex.
Only sometimes that cost is too high. Until you realize and accept that, you’re stuck being the bottom in your heterosexual relationship. That’s why I think it might be in your best interest to execute a move straight out of the female empowerment handbook: Withhold sex until she-who-probably-picks-out-your-clothes mellows out.
While I know this is an almost impossible feat given how strong the average man’s sexual appetite can be, your situation calls for something drastic. Hold out for as long as you possibly can. I have a feeling she’ll buckle before you do. Let her know that she’s not getting any lovin’ because of how she treats you in bed, not to mention life. Either she’ll realize that it’s hard for you to get hard at the thought of her demanding you cater to her every sexual whim, or you’ll eventually become so resentful that it’ll be almost impossible to maintain the relationship.
You probably think this is the worst advice, but what other choice do you have? Obviously, whatever you’ve been trying hasn’t been working. Unless you exert some sort of control, don’t expect her to relinquish any.
Sounds risky, doesn’t it? To be completely honest, it is. I could very well be totally off the mark, and you should maybe to talk to her about why it’s so emasculating to hear her scream, “You’re doing it wrong” while you’re on all fours and she’s broken out her favorite strap-on. Little Ms. Sunshine doesn’t strike me as the type that’ll want to hear it. Level with yourself.
Chances are, her behavior won’t change, no matter what you end up doing. At least you’ll know that you did all you could. Needless to say, I hope it turns out for the best.